Five Rules of Life (or Fadil's Dream)

Farewell Week for Us in Bosnia

Yesterday Dionne and I left Sarajevo. But we will post more about those experiences soon. Probably after this 10-day cruise that leaves in a few hours.

It was a little strange to wake up Tuesday morning and not put on our name tags. Hopefully I will wear this again some day. But you never know.

On Sunday we both gave our final church talks. For my talk, I was inspired by my close friend, Fadil, to think about what I would consider to be the "five rules of life." In talking to Brennen about this, I realized that this type of list situational and contextual. My list as an 18-year old high school senior is different from my list as a 42-year marketing executive which is very different from my list as a 54-year old humanitarian missionary in the Balkans.

Our final "selfie" in front of the Cooper's apartment. Sarajevo blessed us with a beautiful snow Tuesday morning...but not enough to put our flight at risk.

Dionne is going to post portions of her talk in a separate post.

Fadil's Dream

Dionne and I have been honored to serve here in Bosnia. Bosnia has become one of our many homes. The country and its people are now in our hearts. Although we fly home soon, our hearts will never leave. We thank you for your support, friendship, and love. And the great food that you have fed us as we have visited in your homes. Does anyone know where can I get burek and ćevapi in Kansas City?

Our last real meal in Bosnia was, of course, ćevapi. I am not sure I would have loved it without the "luk" (onions) since there is typically not any sauce to go with it.

The topic for my talk today was inspired by a dear friend, Fadil Ramadanović. During a time when he was suffering some personal trials, he had a vivid dream where Sister Newton and I appeared to him and told him that „he had forgotten the five rules of life.“ After he woke up, he could not remember what these 5 rules were but he had a powerful determination to take control of his life.

Fadil surrounded by some wonderful Sarajevo missionaries.

When he told me about his dream, I immediately began to ponder about what I would say my 5 rules of life are. I am sure there are a number of scriptures, politicians, TED talks, Facebook memes, and self-help books that I could consult to come up with a list. But I am not interested in somebody's else list.

Fadil and (former) Elder Smith. Fadil was able to remember a couple of the rules. They were things that he needed to hear but that I would probably never say. For example, one of the rules was "how you dress reflects who you are." As he told me this, I could not help but chuckle about a Nextel experience I had a few years ago. I was a director but did not dress like it. In fact, I had this pair of black dress shoes which I kept wearing despite holes in the bottom and a loosened sole. A friend and colleague, Miguel Lecuona, pulled me aside and offered to buy me some new shoes! It was nice of him to offer...and it made me realize that I should go buy some new shoes.

So I started to craft a few simple rules of life based on my experiences. In fact, I immediately told Fadil the first of these rules after he told me the story. It was not one of the ones from the dream. In fact, none of these match Fadil's dream.

These are my 5 rules of life.

1. Hard Work

First, Hard Work. Hard work is always rewarded. Drive to the top of a small mountain West of Sarajevo and you will find a little slice of equiestrean heaven. Horse enthusiasts flock here. Parents host birthday parties for their kids. There are winter and summer children's adventure camps. And thereapeutic horseback programs for people with disabilities. 

Competing during the jumping show. Dionne got to serve as a judge. 

It is easy to assume that this wonderful facility is the result of a foreign investor looking for a return on investment. Instead, it a testament to the value of hard work.

Work is infectious! Everyone that is part of the Pegasos family works. Works hard. And loves it! This is a testament to the Emin, Senada, and Tanya's vision.

The couple who own this barn, Emin and Senada, have made this their life work. Ten years ago Senada worked three jobs so that she could have the funds to go to America to receive the training and knowledge to operate a therapeutic horsebacking riding program. 

Dionne and Senada (holding the horse) mount a young rider. These two seemed to speak a language all of themselves.

Upon her return, the couple married. But instead of a traditional wedding ring, Emin spent the money and bought her a horse, Dona. 

Senada's engagement ring. 

Soon she and her friend Tonya were running riding programs for schools and horse enthusiasts.

Hard work, sacrifice, and saving allowed them to buy property for a barn. Emin and his brother built the stalls by hand. Every day brings another challenge. The work never ends. 

One of the constant challenges is keeping the water running. Elders Rasmussen and Isom help Emin as he works on the water pump.

But they rise to the challenge. And they have built something to be proud of on top of the mountain.

One of my favorite days at Riders of Hope was helping a young man who used  wheelchair ride a horse.

We all have to work. We all punch a time clock in some fashion or another. But we control how much effort we put towards our labors. Rules #1 is simple. Hard work is rewarded. Always. But not always in ways that we expect.

Emin and Senada hanging with a FEI jumping professional.

2. Tithe

Second, Tithe. I repeat, tithe. Or give. Or serve. But I prefer to say tithe. Why? Because giving real money hurts. It hurts to give 10% of your income. It is easier to give a few coins to a Roma on the street. Or to give a neighbor a helping hand. But tithing your income. Giving 10% of what you have. That is hard. And it matters.

Sister Locey was visited by a young Roma boy in Mostar. Click on the video to hear him sing. 

Why does it matter? It matters because it teaches you how to live on less than you make. It teaches you to sacrifice some of the things that „you've just got to have.“ Tithing builds trust in God. And tithing means that you are working for someone other than just yourself and your family. Too many people in this world have the attitude „I've got mine, you've got yours.“ When you tithe you say „a portion of what is mine is also yours.“ Unconditionally.

John (middle holding the horse) is one of the many unsung heroes at Riders of Hope. He volunteers his time to help keep things running smoothly. He fixes everything, helps run the camps, and babysits. Nearly all of his vacation time is spent helping out; it is truly a labour of love.

So Rule #2 is to tithe. Or give. Or to serve. Get into the habit of giving.

3. Discipline

Third, Discipline. Discipline. As we embark on our own individual journeys, there are snares, pitfalls, pits of quicksand, and booby traps aplenty. Drugs. Alcohol. Facebook. Gossip. Video games. Pornography. Money. Smoking. Gambling. Chocolate. NBA Basketball. Pop Music. Netflix. Shopping. Even good things like skiing, exercising, or horses can become bad things without discipline. There is something out there that can snare each and everyone of us. That without discipline can take over our lives.

Smoking is a tremendous problem in Bosnia. We were talking with a colleague this weekend who told us a story about prenatal care. She said that she knew a doctor (I do not believe this is representative) who told an expectant mother that if she could limit her smoking to 15 cigarettes a day, she would be fine. The damage that cigarettes are doing to Bosnian life is staggering.

Without personal discipline, you can become enslaved. Let me tell you about the worst day of our mission; Jan 1st of last year. When we moved to Northern Virginia, we discovered the Calderwood family. They were just like us. Lots of kids. Energetic. Loved to have fun. Our families became close friends. Their youngest boy, Connor, was the same age as our youngest, Brennen. He was very friendly and nowhere near as wild as his older brothers. But he started drinking when he was in high school. And then began to use drugs. He wanted to stop. He even moved back home with his parents to stop the drugs. And he had. Until New Year's Eve. He left the house, found some heroin, and a few hours later he died of an overdose.

Brennen and his Virginia friends at a birthday party. Connor is #61.

Contrast Connor's story with that of another close friend, San Juan. He started using cocaine when he was 15. Became a dealer. Went to jail. And remained addicted for another 10 years. The only times he stopped using drugs was when he lived in our home. After two clean years living with us, San Juan knew he had to move out because we were leaving for this mission. So he found himself an apartment about 9 months before we left. A week later he was using drugs again. But finally he decided he had had enough. He moved in with his 85-year old grandmother. 

Dionne and San Juan at Erica's wedding reception.

I just got a note last week from him that said 2 2 2. Two years, two months, and two days clean!

This was from yesterday. He's now 2 2 2 2! Those of us who have not had to deal with drug addiction do not understand how difficult and significant this accomplishment is.

Rule of life #3, you have to have personal discipline.

4. Stop Complaining

Fourth, Stop complaining. Get over yourself and stop complaining. Humans love to complain. In Europe It seems that part of the cafe culture is sitting, relaxing, and complaining...about politics, about work, about friends, about the weather, about your health, about Trump. About everything.

It took us a while to actually meet the Ministry of Education in Mostar. But when we did, we really enjoyed our conversation. He studied at the University of Missouri. We were able to suspend the natural Tiger-Jayhawk animosity and bound over BBQ and other things he misses from the states.

Here is an interesting thing about Bosnians...I have never met one who does not seize the opportunity to complain about politics. Even the politicians that I have met! Yet when election day comes, nothing ever changes.

We held a closing ceremony in Vlasenica. Our host was the mayor. He has a lot of energy and was fun to be around for the day.

Complaining makes us feel better about ourselves. But at what cost? When we complain we give up a part of ourselves. We voluntarily make ourselves the victim of someone or something. In this way we give our victimizer control; over our emotions, over our actions, over our lives. The three-step process is quite simple, really. First, we accuse others of wronging us. Second, we excuse ourselves of our own part in the conflict. And third, we then display ourselves to our friends as victims. Accuse...Excuse...Beg for Sympathy. That is the process.

This is from an Advanced Studies presentation I did a few years ago. In different forms, I have been thinking about this rule for some time. The process of "victimization" is so detrimental. 

Stop it. Just stop it. This is a dangerous path to walk upon. One of the most vile humans to ever walk the earth considered himself a victim. In fact, this person's literary opus is a case study in complaining and playing the victim. You can tell this by the title this work...“Mein Kampf“...which translated means „My Struggles.“ Yes, even Adolf Hitler considered himself a victim.

Christ, on the other hand, lights a completely different path. His people, the Jews, certainly had ample reason to complain. They were ruled by Roman oppressors. Thousands of Jews were crucified by the Romans, often for political reasons. Yet Jesus told his followers to „love your enemy,“ to „bless them that curse you, „ to „turn the other cheek also,“ to „agree with thine adversary quickly,“ and to be „merciful.“

Why does Jesus say these things? Certainly bad things happen to people. They did then and they do today. Life is not fair. But Jesus tells us to overcome the „natural man“ reaction of hate, anger, and complaining. I suggest that this is because by doing these things, we actually make the situation worse. When we complain about something, we hold on to it in our hearts. We nourish it. We cherish it. And we love to convince others about how badly we have been treated. When we hold this hate in our hearts, there is no place for something else, something so much more important. By constantly complaining about our lives, we close our hearts to the influence of love.

So rule #4, Stop complaining. So that you can begin to truly live Rule #5.

5. Love

Fifth, Love. Learn how to love. The musical adaptation of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables is often voted the greatest Broadway musical of all-time. As Jean Valjean lays dying, the final words to this musical perfectly sum up his life...“to love another person is to see the face of God.“ This life is about learning to love. Truly love.

An educator working with a child. 

I wish to end this talk the way that I started it. By telling the story of a Bosnian whose life exemplifies this rule.

Adisa and Dionne at a Unicef conference.

To me, Adisa is the ideal Muslim woman. In her own words, she is a „true Muslim“ and she openly stated that there are not many „true Muslims“ in Bosnia (or anywhere else for that matter). But she tries to live her faith. To exemplify her faith.

Adisa with two of her children at the famous "stone spheres" of Zavidovići.

Ten years ago her youngest son, Faris, stopped talking. He was 4-years old. And he just stopped talking. Scrambling to determine what was wrong, the doctors diagnosed him with autism. She looked for help in her little community of Zavidovići and was dismayed as she learned there was no one to help. She worked for the school system so she knew that they did not have a program to help children with disabilities. Children like this were kept at home with their families or sent to centers in Tuzla or Zenica.

Faris working on a painting for the Mala Sirena hallway.

This was not good enough for Adisa. Driven by her love for her child, she decided to do something about it. In her spare time, she formed Mala Sirena (Little Mermaid), a non-profit to help children like Faris. She sought out grant money, hired and trained specialists, and convinced the school system to allow children like Faris to attend school.

Lightning McQueen by Faris.

Faris resumed talking after a few years. He was able to get into the school system. And he is one of my best friends in Zavidovići. He speaks great English, much better than his older sister. He is a good artist. And when you meet him, you would never guess that he has autism.

Hiking with Faris.

But the world is full of examples of parents who make sacrifices for their children out of love. Adisa’s love extends well beyond her love for Faris. Faris’ autism was just a spring board for Adisa. She now lives a life of true and unconditional love. Love for others who were in her situation. And love for their children. Hundreds of Zavidovići children have benefited due to Adisa’s love for them. Children confined to wheelchairs, children with autism, children who cannot speak, children with cerebral palsy, so many children. She loves them, and they love her.

The wonderful staff a Kuća Nade. We work with so many heroes across Bosnia. Women (and a few men...but mostly women) who sacrifice so much to help those with disabilities.

“To love another person is to see the face of God.” I believe that Adisa has seen the face of God. She sees God every time she hugs one of her Mala Sirena children.

I had this photo in mind as I wrote this line. This was one of the last times we met with Mala Sirena and Adisa. What makes Adisa so special is that she does everything as a volunteer. Mala Sirena is not her full-time job. She does what she does for moments like this. 

So the final rule of life is to learn how to love. Loving your family is a good place to start. But you truly begin to know God when you allow your love to extend beyond family members.

We were so proud that the first all-LDS Bosnia service project was held at Mala Sirena. I was especially proud at the way the Tuzla branch showed up for this project. 

To reiterate. Work hard. Tithe…Give…Serve. Discipline. Stop Complaining. Love. These are my five rules of life. Do these things and I promise that you will be a force for good in this world. And you will have an inner peace that burns within your heart.

Thank you Fadil for the inspiration. Vidimo se uskoro. Volim te.